Being a leader, a manager, or a business owner is not as glittery as people might think, especially if you are a naturally empathetic person who struggles to deliver bad news or address difficult situations in general. There’s no formal training for this; you simply find yourself facing these moments as part of the role.
I know how many days I dreaded the moment when I had to let someone go. It caused me so much stress that I couldn’t sleep for days, replaying the conversation a hundred times in my mind. No matter how much you rehearse these moments, they never unfold as you expect. I did it, but even afterwards, I was shattered.
And it’s not just about letting someone go. There are many kinds of bad news you may have to deliver, and some of them can truly break a person. So, the real question is this: how do you do it when it’s necessary, without breaking them?
Empathy goes a long way
A psychotherapist can share methods to guide you through handling these situations. I, on the other hand, can guide you through what I have experienced and through the values I hold as a person, which I will try to do here. This guidance is for kind, empathetic leaders, the ones I genuinely appreciate. Brutal leaders do not need guidance, and they certainly do not have my appreciation or support. I have coached many traumatised people who were led by brutish characters, and they carry wounds because the person responsible for leading them broke them.
Here is the first thing I can advise you on. In life, you usually encounter two kinds of people. Some do not want sugar-coating and prefer a direct, straightforward conversation. Others are more fragile and need more time to process and internalise what is being said. This is the first thing you need to understand about the person you are delivering bad news to.
The second responsibility is to understand their circumstances. People react differently, and some may be pushed to their limits much faster than others. This does not mean you can solve every problem they are facing, but knowing more may help you find ways to support them.
I had a client who shared a situation from work with me. One of the people on their team had started to seem distracted, arriving late and carrying a visible heaviness. Something was clearly wrong, and they knew it could not be ignored. They decided to have a very honest one-on-one conversation to understand what was really going on. During that conversation, the team member shared that they were undergoing tests for a potentially serious illness.
My client told me they did what they could at that moment. They offered support, adjusted expectations, allowed additional time off, and even helped by recommending doctors. It was not an easy conversation, but it was handled with care. I can only imagine how differently this would have unfolded if a brutish person had led the conversation. They would have gone straight to criticism instead of listening.
Here goes another lesson for you – before you judge, think of the countless things that can happen in a person’s life every day. Divorce, separation, depression, financial difficulties…. As a leader, you cannot resolve these issues, but if you understand the situation, you can adjust your approach. And I can tell you something very simple, yet powerful: empathy and listening goes a long way. Sometimes, it is all that is needed.
And I can’t stress this enough: Always do this in a private setting.
It is not about you
There is one common mistake people make before or during difficult conversations, often unconsciously, and I am guilty of it myself. We tend to connect the situation to our own experiences, trauma, and circumstances.
If you are leading people, there is one very straightforward thing you need to hear: it is not about you. You should not attach your own subjective experiences to what someone else is going through, especially in moments when you are there to listen and resolve an issue.
People may respond harshly. There may be anger, defensiveness, or closed body language. But it is not about you. It is about another person’s experience. I am sharing this so that these reactions do not shock or unsettle you. You must learn to step outside yourself and hold the situation with clarity and care.
This is why I emphasise the importance of the ACE framework I teach. It is especially valuable in situations like these. It helps you stay aware of how things truly are, communicate with intention, and remain engaged. That is what a good leader does.
Tone, words & body language matter
I know someone with a very harsh past who struggles to express their emotions. Their face is often a perfect poker face. I understand why this is the case: they grew up in a household where making any disturbance was not allowed. But it’s important to note that they were not aware of how their expression—or lack of one—can affect others, especially in difficult situations. They are not doing it intentionally; it is a defence mechanism. Still, they had to work on it in order to become a better leader.
What I am trying to tell you is that you must be very careful with your tone, words, and body language. As a leader, it is your responsibility to learn how to weave them together in a way that accommodates people in difficult circumstances. I truly believe that people deserve this kind of leadership, and I am convinced that if the right people are chosen as leaders, organisations will become much healthier, even in the toughest times. After all, a person should not be forced to face two stresses at once: the difficult situation and a difficult leader.
If you need support in becoming more confident at handling these situations as a leader, I would be happy to meet with you and offer a complimentary session.