We humans have multiple layers, that translate into how people perceive us. You can easily test this with the people you know in different settings. You are a different person to your parents, siblings, friends, and coworkers. In fact, you can never be exactly the same person to all of them, as those connections are distinct and engage different parts of you.
However, there are common values that you carry across all of these relationships, things like consistency, ethics, and, in general, a predictable pattern of behaviour that others come to expect. And sometimes, certain aspects of you spill over into every area—such as, you’ve guessed it, your job!
Have you noticed that one of the first questions people ask you is, “What do you do?” Whether the answer is brief or overly elaborate, we tend to judge others based on it. And we’re almost all guilty of this.
This has a major influence on how easily our jobs become our identity. They begin to define who we are, shape our closest circles, and influence how others behave towards us. In a way, this way of judging and thinking is a debacle of the human spirit, and at the root of some of our deepest anxieties. Deep in that anxiety lies a deeper fear: that if we let go of what we do—or fail to become what we think we should—the world will see us as exposed and ashamed.
Now why is that?
When work becomes us
I have a story that will probably sound very familiar to you. I have a friend who carried the same type of stress into every job (I was guilty of this too in the past), making the story part of who they were—constantly thinking they were responsible for everything and expecting too much of themselves and others.
They were also constantly under pressure to overperform, convinced that people would find out how incompetent they really were (hello, impostor syndrome). The behaviour was possessive—almost like a life-or-death situation—and the last job took a huge toll. It was a position in a company where the situation was chaotic, and those old patterns were triggered badly.
My friend stopped sleeping. Every conversation somehow circled back to the work they were doing, the problems at the workplace, and the people there. It was as if the work had consumed my friend, and there was no one left except their work identity. They didn’t know how to have any other conversation without reverting to their job—how it stressed them out, speaking about people and characters who would never know the pain they caused through their irresponsibility or low standards.
This went on for a while, and at one point, I had to ask: Is your life worth less than a job? And why do you tie yourself to the job emotionally? What type of trauma is responsible for that?
I know what to ask, because I had to ask myself the same questions not so long ago. I know how work glues itself to our souls and becomes part of us. There’s some type of trauma there, because I’ve met people who didn’t have the slightest idea what I was talking about… people who have never allowed their trauma to become attached to their jobs.
My trauma was connected to my past and the poverty I lived in (that’s a whole other article). My friend had their own issue, and you, dear reader, probably have one too… since you’ve made it this far into the text.
Now that we know what we know, the real question is: what can we do?
Letting go…
This advice will sound either too clichéd or it will scare you… it doesn’t matter.
It doesn’t matter if you pour 200% into your job. It doesn’t matter if you do all the proper things, go above and beyond, and have sleepless nights. Your job can still be terminated, or you might get fired anyway… a failure will most probably happen.
This doesn’t mean you shouldn’t care about doing the work properly or that you should be unprofessional, but rather that you should free yourself from the thought that the more you give, the safer you are. There is no safety in the ways you are looking for, it doesn’t work that way, and when you realise that you’ll see how your work will flow more freely… and maybe you’ll breathe more easily.
Good and bad things will come along, and you will have a chance to make your mark as a professional. But in no way should an unsuccessful inquiry, a failure, or losing a job make you feel unworthy. You can redefine the situation, do something else, and free yourself from the thought: What will happen if I lose this?